You think it’s so easy to change yourself.
You think it’s so easy, but it’s not.
What do you think it takes to reinvent yourself as an all-new person, a person who makes sense, who belongs? Do you change your clothes, your hair, your face? Go on, then. Do it. Pierce your ears, trim your bangs, buy a new purse. They will still see past that, see you, the girl who is still too scared, still too smart for her own good, still a beat behind, still, always, wrong. Change all you want; you can’t change that.
I know because I tried. […]
I had worked so hard, wished so hard, for things to get better. But it hadn’t happened, and it wasn’t going to happen. I could buy new jeans, I could put on or take off a headband, but this was who I was. You think it’s so easy to change yourself, but it’s impossible.
So I decided on the next logical step: to kill myself. (3, 21)
Elise spent an entire summer hoping to change herself and become popular, and it failed miserably. Overwhelmed by the futility of it all, she attempted to kill herself, but then chickened out and called for help. Now back at school, she spends her nights roaming the streets, listening to her iPod and relishing the silence and the solitude. Until one night, she stumbles across an underground dance club and finds people who don’t know her past and notice her, especially the DJ Char. But sneaking out of the house does not go unnoticed, especially when classmates and parents suspect Elise is going to try to kill herself again. When pressures mount at school, at home, and at the club, will Elise be pushed to the breaking point and do what everyone expects of the lonely outsider? Or will she finally dance to music she’s been using to drown out everyone else?
First off, the supporting cast of characters is great. From Elise’s lunch table mates who are united with each other due to their outcast status, to Elise’s stepfather worrying about her influence on “his children”, they all are struggling just as much as Elise to figure out what to do. I can’t imagine the aftermath, and Sales saves herself from portraying that difficult time by beginning the story several months after Elise’s suicide attempt. I found myself unintentionally finishing the book in one day because I just couldn’t stop reading.
Elise is very different from me, since we don’t have the same taste in music, I have never been to an underground night club, and I have no idea how to DJ. Yet I found myself admiring her and relating to her, especially through her love of music and her use of music to escape. We all have a time in our life when we wonder what we could do differently or what we could have changed. After her suicide attempt, Elise recognizes that sometimes there is nothing you can change about the way other people feel about you.
I had always thought that if I just did something extraordinary enough, then people would like me. But that wasn’t true. You will drive away everyone by being extraordinary. [spoiler omitted] But you, you never learn your lesson. The world embraces ordinary. The world will never embrace you. […]
No one can mold me. I know because I’ve tried. (211)
You’ll notice that quote mimics and echoes the first paragraphs of the book, and that theme of acceptance of yourself runs through the entire book. But while in the beginning there is depression about this lack of conformity, by the end I think Elise has once more found the pride in being extraordinary. In the end I wanted to be Elise, who struggles with conformity and lack of friends and doesn’t want to change herself, but still recognizes her desires and a need to be who she is and do what she enjoys. This book leaves me wanting to find an underground night club, learn how to DJ, make a copy of the list of songs included in the back of the book and listen to every one of them. But I think more importantly, it also leaves me wanting to find my own soundtrack and make my own impressions on people. And that says a lot about a book when it is able to accomplish that and not feel didactic or overly sentimental.